Morbid Musings

July 16, 2008

Never have I lived more righteously than I’m living right now, and never have I been more aware of my own sinfulness.

Both times in my life when I’ve tried to live honestly and do my very best have ended with me being completely shattered before God.

I don’t know how to live in God’s value, which is infinite, rather than my own, which is none at all.

Lord, it’s so hard right now. The only thing that terrifies me more than Your Presence, is the thought of leaving it. Please take this cup from me, for it is more than I can bear.

The only comfort I have right now is that so many people love me so very much. I’m some what embarassed and ashamed of the fact, really–that people love me, a lot. And God has used me to do extraordinary things. I know for a fact that he has used me to save lives, just as he used others to save my life–not because of anything I’ve done, or am, or have. Just because. And I don’t know how to live with that. I don’t know how to live with the fact that I am the recipient of so much undeserved love, so much unmerited favor. I do know how to live with the fact that God chooses to do great things with me and through me and for me though I, in and of myself, am not great. Grace is the hardest thing in the world to accept. Perhaps that’s why I prefer Justice, even though it means my destruction.

The road to Humility is hard and I don’t want to walk it. Save me, Lord. Make me willing and able to walk it. Hold on to me, for I have no strength.

Posted in Personal